last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
