My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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