Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
