I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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