Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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