u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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