Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
