Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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