it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The uberlube is also flammable
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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