How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize