Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
