I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize