Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
