Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
