god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
