Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
