He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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