God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
