I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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