I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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