I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
