I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
