I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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