How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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