i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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