My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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