I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
