She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
