My hand turned me down
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I will be naked everywhere
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Randomize
