Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
