oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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