Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize