After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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