Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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