i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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