New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
this will be a night to untag.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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