Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
