Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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