he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
