i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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