Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
