I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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