Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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