foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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