her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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