my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
