so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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