sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
