I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
