I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
