I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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