Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
