Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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