i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
