you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
