my mouth tastes like poor choices
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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