i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
