I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
