I wish I could teleport
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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