My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
