Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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