The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
